There’s a lot I want to do in my life. I’m not just a grumpy, ranting cynic, I also have things I would really love to accomplish, a bucket list (nice tie-in, right?). Own a Vivienne Westwood piece? On the list. Go to an awards ceremony? Yup. Swim with the sharks? Love them! I even have a Pinterest board of the things I’d like to do!
On the flipside though, I have things I never, ever want to do. Most stuff I will say isn’t on my bucket list, but if the opportunity arises, I might give it a shot. However, there’s stuff you hear about and just nope about. You might have heard people call a list of these “nopes” their Anti-Bucket List.
I was telling a friend of mine I’m going to do this post and she was really confused. “Why the hell are you doing an anti-bucket list of stuff you never want to do? It’s really counterproductive, isn’t it?” You might be thinking that too and, honestly, I was initially going to do it as a nice, ‘get to know me’ filler while I write other posts. Yet once I started, I realised that I’m actually more open to experiences than most people thought I was, including myself.
So, I’ll show you mine, then you show me yours…
Plummet to Earth AKA Skydive Or Bungee Jump
I couldn’t think of anything more fucking stupid. Yes, I’m going to defy what my fight-or-flight response is alarming me to and just jump off a damn platform or a plane. A plane. Get out. Just shut up and get out.
First of all, I like my boobs. They do exactly what they’re supposed to [read: stay there and jiggle until I’m a mother, then they sit there and get gnawed on].
Why it’s on my anti-bucket list is.. I have this issue with something foreign in my body. Two ceramic fillings in my mouth already weird me out, the idea of a little human being house inside of you for nine months freaks me the fuck out. So the idea of these two sacs of saline in my fat sacs? My mind isn’t around that whole thing.
Be an Early-Morning Exerciser
This is right up there with jumping out of a plane. I remember having to get up early once a week for cross-country run training in primary school and hating every moment of it. It might be the best time to exercise, but at what cost, I tell you?
You might have noticed my penchant for obscenities. It’s hereditary, I’m afraid. I have tried over the years to stop swearing so much, especially when I was a teen and in my early-20s. My friends would record us doing something and you would hear me, with my slight lisp and husky Australian accent colourfully illustrate the most boring of objects with a string of swear words, one after another. It kind of sounded vulgar in a way, but with my obsessive use of words like ‘shall’ (a favourite) amongst others, I realised soon enough that swearing is the best way for me to vocalise how I’m feeling.. so…
If I wanted to test my endurance (and my seizing joints), I’d fly to Sydney and stand in King’s Cross on a Saturday night with money taped to my body.
Have Anything To Do With Spiders
I’m Australian. An Australian that’s lived in “the bush”. I know where I stand with spiders, and that’s on top of them, with my foot taking them to their spider afterlife.
Become A Hiker
This is how a conversation with someone usually goes-
“Hey, Elle! Want to go on a hike?”
“Fuck off” or “Get fucked” or “Go fuck yourself” with “take a hike” added at the end for a comic element.
I.. I don’t get it. I mean, I could understand if you go on ‘a walk’ or ‘a hike’, especially if you’re visiting a foreign place but.. doing it.. recreationally? With mini water bottles and matching sunglasses and hat combos? I’ll pass.
Speaking of the great outdoors…
Contrary to what you might believe about my fellow Australians, we really love a good campout. It’s different from a traditional American camping trip, but it’s still camping.
I’m not like my fellow Australians, though. I hated going on school camps that weren’t in a building establishment of some sort, I hate being uncomfortable on the ground and the idea of any of the Australian wildlife coming in, biting and/or humping my face does not appeal to me. Who are these crazy people that seem to get a massive hard-on for putting on protective clothing, setting up some shitty tarp and laying in it to sleep on a bumpy ground after huddling around a fire, eating some crappy food and sacrificing the first born? I don’t know of the last part was true, I don’t go camping!
Visit The Amazon
There are places that we just know we’re not welcome. The sea, where beautiful sharks, octopus and other sea creatures call home. There are rivers, where crocodiles and more sharks eat and swim themselves up and down to find a nice little spot to relax.
As a human not from South America, I know my place, and my place isn’t in the Amazon. Nothing wants us there. I watch Jeremy Wade! Every bloody episode of River Monsters is based along the Amazon somewhere! Insects don’t like you, the sea life loves you for completely different reasons than what you might suspect, the land life thinks you’re an asshole and the trees want you to fuck off and stop killing them!
I have never smoked. I have never done drugs (not counting that time in high school my friend tried to make pot brownies but kind of burnt them, the smell and gross taste still scared on my psyche). I get a reaction to cigarette and pot smoke, and even if I could stand either, I don’t want to. To put it simply, I have no desire to take either up as a hobby or otherwise. I’ll stick to my vice of Vanilla Coke.